As a teenager I struggled. I struggled with emotional battles every day. I was not a popular child and usually hung out in a bathroom stall during lunch period. I did not have friends. I did not smile much. Life at home was rocky and most of the time I didn't want to be anywhere. I was in pain most of my preteen and teenage life and I felt like I didn't belong most of the time. I saw my beautiful sister thriving in academics, cross country and flourish with friends. I envied her. In school I mostly people watched trying to absorb what was "cool" or sketching in my sketchbook dark illustrations. I was a sad individual and what I am about to say might shock you, but I tried to commit suicide a few times before I was 15. My poor parents were hurt and scared and didn't know what to do, so they sent me to a private school that had an on call therapist. I lived there till I was 17. Living at a private school, I did end up making friends and by the end of the school year I was considered one of the most popular girls in school. I always had good grades and ended up graduating graduating with honors. Despite getting what I thought I wanted, I was still unhappy. I spend 2 years partying way to well, and going to every concert I could get tickets for. I ended up doing way too many drugs and kinda got addicted to some very bad ones. By the end of my 18th birth year, I was living on the streets and coning people to give me money. I was in a very bad place. Bad things happened to me all the time, and I did bad things too. I did not like who I was and one day I decided that enough was enough. I hitched a ride to my parents house and begged them to take me back in. Though because they were scared of how many times they had heard that before, they said no. However, my amazing aunt offered to take me in as long as I enrolled in college, got a job and stopped all drugs and partying. I agreed and 3 days later I flew over 500 miles away from home to start fresh. One month later after some detoxing, I started college. On my first day of college I met my husband. I believe it was him and my aunt who saved me from myself. I have been off drugs since December 3, 2006. Over the years I started becoming the change I had only longed to see years before. I grew as a person each and every day and I am still growing now. I am no were near perfect but I am no longer in daily pain like I was back then. I have chosen to forgive and forget those who wronged me and I only hope that those whom I have wronged have forgiven me too.
As a teenager I was lost and wanted something but never quite knew what that was. I was unhappy and always trying to figure out why. Over these past 6 years, I have learned many life lessons and taken really good advice. Here's what I would tell myself at 15.
"Life isn't over till its good. If its not good, It's not over."
"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
College is freaking awesome. Hang in there
Don't forget to keep wishing on those stars, because on day you will meet your prince charming.
"This too shall pass"
"Don't take drinks from anyone. Even friends"
"There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it's with themselves."
"Dear God, I have a problem. It's me"
"Destroy what destroys you"
"Surround yourself with people who make you see this broken world is still beautiful. They are worth keeping around"
"Smile more. It's contagious"
"If you change nothing, nothing will change"
"Everything you are running away from is in your head."
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
"You are braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, and Smarter than you think and LOVED more than you know.
Stop thinking about yourself. You are not the only one in this world. Look at what you do to others as they watch you.
I am sure that I could find so much more to say to myself, but these are what pop out at me. Thank you for taking the time to read. If you know someone struggling too, remind them how loved they are and that even if it doesn't seem like it now, life can be wonderful. Whether you think you can or you can't, your right. change what you hate and you will become someone you've only envied.