Some serious parental ramblings....

Why is parenting so hard? My daughter Chloe has been having some speech issues. She use to talk and since about 7 months ago started regressing intellectually. She stopped talking and now I can barely get any communication going between myself and my daughter. She was recently just enrolled in a speech therapy. Her speech pathologist is amazing and she is coming once a week to come and work with us. Currently my almost 2 and a half year old is at a 9 to 12 month level of speech. Due to her speech problems, somethings other kids can do she does not. I do not know when she wants something because she only throws temper tantrums. When I ask her and show her and help her its a mess. She can not tell me when she is tired or wants something specifically. She can not express herself and I am left to guess with body language and just "knowing" my daughter, but this is unacceptable. She is a bright and intelligent girl and the more and more I work with her she is slowly picking things up. In just a few weeks she can now sign when she is hungry, so I know when to feed her besides the normal feeding schedule. She can sign and say "all done" so I know to take the food away before it becomes a food fight. There are others she has learned to either sign or say and this has brought me great happiness.


Today's lessons were  hard. Not just for Chloe but for me. Her speech pathologist taught sharing and what is "mine" and yours. These are normal lessons for parents and I am sure are not always easy, but today was difficult. Watching Chloe throw tantrums {which consist of head banging the floor and kicking and screaming} over and over because she didn't get her way and could not communicate what she wanted. The exercises were great and I am so happy to practice these with her, but in my heart I was on the verge of tears. Every time she could not sign or say "more" of this certain game, she would head bang the tile and the crying and screaming and such... My heart was breaking. I know that this is a must learn situation and I am again so happy to teach her to speak and communicate. I want this more than anything. I am not sure if it okay to admit that this is so hard for me. I am feeling so many things as a mother. I feel like a failure for not knowing these "games" and learning tools in the first place. I feel ashamed that as a stay at home mother, their teacher that I am failing her. I feel like I am her biggest problem. If I just knew more and practiced more and tried harder, I could be a better mother and not have a child who is not communicating any more.


I feel ashamed that I let her lose her speech. I hear everyone else, they say this is not my fault, but I sure feel this way. I am not wanting pity. This is something I need to get over myself. Feelings are not always logical. Jealousy is one of the feelings. I see all my girlfriends kids thriving. They are sweet and angelic and can say so many words. I see them adapting and learning and just making their parents so proud. I see normal happy kids at play. I am jealous. Every time I hear someone else kids count to 10 or sing a song or speak full sentences I want to cry. Its such an awful feeling because I want to be happy for them, and I am and so proud of their kids. I just also look over and see my kid running is circles around a toy and laughing. I love that she is a free spirit and just a super happy kid, but I also worry what was different. What can I do to help her learn more. I want my kid to have friends and play well with them. I see her falling behind and this kills me. I see her not making new friends at the park because people look at her weird and ask why she doesn't talk. I cry on the inside every time this happens.


So I know that this is totally not my writing style. I am never this jumbled and I never rant. Please tell me, are these feeling normal?


What I do when I feel jumbled, and sad and unsatisfied with myself, I list. I love lists. I list want I can do to get back to happy.


::Buy learning toys to practice speech and learning skills
::Read more learning books
::Check out learning and tips and tricks sites for teachers
::Practice and learn more sign language
::Learn sign language songs
::Sign up for weekly play dates
::Keep the TV off when kids are up
::Go to park Monday through Saturday
::Start my own morning meditating and doing yoga for stress free living
::Listen more intently
::Try harder